WOAP – what to do?

I don’t know whether to cry or laugh.

I took up this gig so I could get in the front running for Wellington On A Plate, our fine city’s annual answer to the modern decline of hedonism and culinary debauchery.

As it turns out, I’m going to be out of the loop for the entire festival. AWOL, missing in action, goneburgers (oh don’t say burgers, groan).

Anyway, life kicks you in unusual ways, but you just have to kick back. So here is my wish list for the WOAP festival, which was formerly secret and not-to-be-divulged.

Wellington On A Plate is bulging with brilliantness. You’ll never get to everything. Don’t even try – you’ll be fat, broke and well, happy …very very happy.

If I were you (and I wish I was) I’d start with the Essential Beef Beer and Barbeques with Wellington chef Rex Morgan and pro butcher Alex Tuhi. Rex is a right old chuckle; big, bold and ballsy. Learning to cut meat from these boys will be fun. It’s in Masterton though, so plan ahead. Saturday 14 August, $105.

Next up, there’s a bit of a dag at Osteria Del Toro on Monday morning at 11am. A water tasting. So gourmet. It’s only $10 (it is tap water after all) and there’s a bit of know-how to be gained here with a bunch of different tap waters from around the region and some from Auckland. I imagine you’ll come away with a different appreciation for what goes down the kitchen sink.

On Tuesday 17 August there’s a $150 wine extravaganza at Hippopotamus (Museum Hotel) from 7pm. It’s pricey but when you put Ata Rangi, Dry River and Martinborough Vineyards in the same room and say “cellar wines”, you’ve got me. Not to mention there’s a six-course dinner in it too. The chance to try some of the premium Wairarapa vineyards’ own “treasured” drops from their own stash is worth it I figure.

Okay Wednesday is a bit of a toss up.

I went to The Great Lamb Rack Off at Boulcott Bistro last year and it is good. Lamb producers get their products blind taste tested, with good pinot noir to cleanse the palette between bites. From 3-5pm it’s $40, good fun and worth while.

At 6pm, on the other side of the harbour – Petone – is the Artisan Cheese Tasting. Eating cheese, drinking wine, it’s a good way to spend the evening. But unless you’ve got a chopper or a speedboat you’ll never get here from Boulcott St in rush hour traffic. What to do?

Thursday 19^th is an easy choice. Cocktails and canapés with Hawthorne Lounge, Hooch, Osteria del Toro, Library Bar, Monsoon Poon and Betty’s. A cocktail crawl with class. And at $60 for the night? Pah, value plus. They’re doing it again the following Thursday too, if it’s booked out.

So that’s three nights in a row. Knackered? Soft, but I would be too. Only a third of the way through the festival I’m likely already falling out of favour with loved ones for being gregariously absent and slopping too much wine down too many shirts.

Nonetheless, I’d risk domestic purgatory for at least two more events in the second week of Wellington On A Plate.

If you know restaurants, love food, and you’d still sell your first born to be a fly on the wall in some of the world’s best kitchens, keep Tuesday 24^th August free. The Restaurant Association has got London glory boy Fernando Peire from The Ivy dishing up saucy behind-the-scenes stuff on this renowned restaurant. It’s at the Paramount, it’s $80, and it’s going to be kitchen porn for sure. Food and wine to follow. Naturally.

Lastly, I’d say The Gospel Brunch on Sunday 29 August is a responsible way to wrap up your festival experience. Appealing to God for a touch of levity over your 16 days of sinning – try gluttony and lust for starters – will do you well. And with a choir presiding over a tableful of Bloody Marys (just as good as Hail Marys, and spicier), it’s wholly proper to be there.

I won’t be, but I wish I was.

Have a look at my effort for the Something I Prepared Earlier video competition. People say I should topple Jamie O. I’m trying, I’m trying.